Fun July

I have been very bad about updating this haven't I?  Well that should tell you how much wonderful fun we are having.  July is coming to an end, which means in one month Z will be in school!  I can't believe how fast 4 1/2 years have gone, or more specifically, the last 2 months.

We've settled into the bay area and are now working on exploring all there is.  Three weeks ago took the Bart (our new favorite way to travel) into San Francisco and braved the Muni line to Golden Gate Park.  The Muni is the the municipal transportation in the city and is known to be difficult to navigate and notoriously late.  At Golden Gate park they had an amazing playground with huge castles and climbing structures and a free concert performed by the San Francisco Symphony.  After spending a few hours there we went in search of food and found the worst cupcake I have ever had - even Z wouldn't eat the icing! - and went home exhausted and happy.

The following weekend we decided we were in need of the sun.  I've been loving the summer here, it's rarely over 70 degrees, and I appreciate it all the more while watching news of the heat wave that is killing people and crops across the south.  With that said, I do miss the sun sometimes.  The cure for this, we decided, was a weekend camping trip to New Hogan Lake in the "Gold Country", meaning inland Northern California.  The lake was pretty, the weather was hot (high 80s!) and there were frogs everywhere!

When I was little (up through my early teens) I spent every summer vacation on my grandparents farm in west Texas.  At that time there were always summer rains.  After a heavy rain, starting at twilight, under their street light 1/2 mile from their nearest neighbor, the frogs came out.  They had buried themselves in the ground after the last rain stated to dry, awaiting the next shower.  They were ugly slimy warty bullfrogs and all the kids loved them.  There were baby ones so tiny I could cup two or three in my hands, up to huge ones I could barely lift with two hands and was slightly afraid of.  We (myself, my sister and other cousins) spent many a summer night being chewed on by mosquitoes and filling feed barrels with frogs, only to unceremoniously dump them out at the end of the night to allow them to go hide before the hunt resumed the next evening.

I remember the joy and excitement we had at that time and I wanted to give Z some of that.  Alas, I am no longer a tomboy.  I am not a fan of slimy yucky things anymore.  I don't know when or why it changed but now I just think of all the germs they may have and get grossed out.  Scott however had no such issues.  He was wonderful with her.  During the day I sat on the edge of the lake making sure the dogs weren't getting eaten by ducks (a childhood trauma I'll never let go of) while Scott and Z waded out chest high for her, through the muck that always gathers at the edge of a lake, to try to catch minnows or tadpoles.  And at dusk he took her frog hunting and found a huge slimy toad she loved and tons of tadpoles, most tiny babies, one the biggest I've ever seen.  We released all but one tiny tree frog who now has a new residence in Z's room and is fed calcium fortified crickets.  Seriously.

This past weekend we were needing a beach fix and decided to go to Santa Cruz.  Santa Cruz was said to be similar to Santa Monica but with a bit colder water.  Santa Monica has the pier we loved, Santa Cruz has a boardwalk.  They both have beaches and the ocean.  We thought this was a no brainier.  We were wrong.

According to Google maps the drive is 1 1/2 hours.  We were warned that traffic would be bad coming home on a Sunday so we decided to do a Saturday day trip.  We left about 11 and did not get parked until 2:30.  Traffic was awful the whole way and then it took us 30 minutes to find parking.  It wasn't that we were looking for free parking or close parking, just ANY parking.  Once we got to the boardwalk we were so disappointed.  It was wall to wall people, all with that rude, arrogant tourist air that will poison any location.  The beach was covered in trash, the water was freezing, and no one was smiling.  Next time we'll stick with our original plan, which was to go hiking over there.  I also received an email from a friend of mine when we got back from Santa Cruz that told me where the locals beaches are and that there is an 1800s steam train we could take Z on.  Here's hoping it's not like the Chama Train in NM - oh how I hated that thing!

During the week Z and I spend time exploring Berkeley.  There is a park about 2 miles from us that has 40 ft concrete slides carved out of the hillside that the kids go down on cardboard.  Between that and Adventure Playground, which National Geographic listed as one of the the top 10 parks in the nation and one Yelp reviewer described as "Lord of the flies meets Shanty Town" we are never at a loss of things to do.  If anything we are limited by my level of energy and desire to deal with other people's children.

Here's hoping for a just as exciting August!

It's a Wonderful Life

I know it's been awhile, but it's been a busy time!  The three week road trip, getting home and resettled... I keep sitting down to write the details of the trip but I just haven't had the energy to devote to it so here's the short version - The trip was disturbed as soon as I arrived in New Mexico by the death of my great-grandmother, Mammy, who was 99 1/2 years old.  As death always does, this brought my family together into the same small geographical space, and me back into West Texas.  My family functions on a tentative peace that is strengthened by distance but crumbles when any reality is inflicted on it, and this was no exception.  Dysfunction at it's finest, but we move forward again from here.  After 3 days in Texas we went back to New Mexico and Zandra and I then made the rounds into Albuquerque and saw the rest of those that we love, not because we have to but because we are fortunate enough to have them in our lives.

Being home after 3 weeks away is wonderful.  I'm able to walk without crutches or a cane and I am no longer wallowing in self pity and pain so the trip worked as I was hoping it would.  As soon as I got home Scott and I left Z with Mom and Missy and went camping in the Redwoods for 3 days.  I'm not able to express the feeling that being in those old trees gave me other than to say it was amazing and I can't wait to go back there again.  The deep sense of peace and rightness about the place is overwhelming, and to just sit and listen to the trees was an experience I can't wait to share with Zandra.

Back at home we are finally all unpacked, office included, and just enjoying each other.  Last weekend we went to see the Bubble Man (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HH41itotQ8E) and finished preparing for the latest addition to the family - Princess Pickle.  That's right, we are finally getting a kitten.  I know, chaos reigns supreme in my life, what can I say?  Zandra's allergies and asthma have been basically non-existent since we moved here and Scott for the first time in his life is thinking that this would be a good idea so who am I to be the voice of reason?!  I thought I would never get another kitty so I am stupid happy over it, but very nervous about the introductory phase with the dogs and the fear that after we've completely fallen in love with her Z will have an asthma flair.  To help prevent that we are going to the allergist next week and making sure there is nothing different we need to be doing to make sure everyone stays healthy and happy.

My day to day life is quite surreal to me - today I ironed, washed the dogs, sewed, read to and played with Z... basically 1950s housewife life, and it is wonderful.  It's mind boggling to me that I have spent so much time and effort in life to go to school, to build a career, to end up here, staying home taking care of my little love - and I have never been happier.  I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do in a year when I go back to work or school, but for now I know with 100% certainty I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

Getting Out

This last month has been overly draining.  Too much of everything - too much pain, too much moping, too many doctor appointments... just too much.  So I've decided to take a break and give Scott a break in the process.  I'm taking Zandra and going on what has become dubbed the birthday tour of New Mexico.  We - Z and I - are going to go see all the family and friends that we have been missing, most of who have birthdays in the next 3 weeks, while giving poor Scott a break from taking care of us.

Stay tuned for adventure updates!

New Week, New Thoughts

What a difference a week makes!  After my pitiful lamenting last week I decided that I needed to do something.  Anything.  I (read Scott) dug out my sewing machine and sewed a little, researched future education and sewing opportunities, and convinced not one but two long last friends to come over and entertain me.  Granted they live together but I'm still taking credit for both.

Think of all the people you have reconnected with on Facebook or various other internet sites.  Now think of the ones you've actually met in person since you've reconnected.  I'm now at five.  I realize that meeting old friends again after an extended amount of time is similar to making friends on Craig's List.  You never know what they are going to be like, and unlike new people, you have preconceived notions of the type of person they are.  However, I know the last memories that people have of me from 15 years ago in no way reflect the person I am today.  I'm sure most my old high school friends are much more leery of me than I am of them.  So it's worth a little gamble made better by Facebook, which gives some enlightenment into their thoughts and beliefs.

So back to my friends.  I actually have pictures of us all at Winter Ball formal dance junior year.  It's awesome, all goth and silly.  Out of all of the things that were destroyed one little box of pictures escaped and is full of embarrassing memories to anyone who wants to dare venture down memory lane.  Anyways, I begged and pleaded via Facebook for them to drive more than 30 minutes to come entertain me and they did!   And it was great.  We laughed so hard for hours that passed in the blink of an eye.  It wasn't a nostalgic trip down memory lane, it was people with similar interests and beliefs playing board games and just having fun.  A good time was had by all.

Sunday the wonderful trend continued.  For my birthday Scott and I had been planning on going to Washington state and sleeping in the tree houses ( http://www.treehousepoint.com ) when the weather warmed up.  However, with my leg and his new job it just isn't going to happen this year. Scott decided that I needed a different gift so he woke up early on his one day to sleep in this week and went and bought me an iPad2 to entertain me and keep me from getting mopey again in the coming weeks.  We dubbed it my unbirthday, so today I am unfive just to confuse Zandra.  During our last trip to Disneyland, before we moved to San Fran, we were determined to get Zandra on The Snow Monster Ride - known as The Matterhorn to everyone else.  She had been saying for almost a year that she wouldn't ride it until she was 5.  However, she had been riding Thunder Mountain Railroad for a few months and just loved it so we knew she would love The Matterhorn as well.  As we approached the gate we told her, "Cubbie!  Today is your unbirthday!  Today you are unfive!", and though she was perplexed she became very excited about her birthday (she kept missing the un part).  We told her as part of her un birthday the very first thing we HAD to do was ride the Snow Monster Ride and then go get some ice cream.  She got on with no complaint, was terrified the whole time and then begged to go on it again 30 minutes later.

So onward we go, now with a much more optimistic attitude. 

  

Pitiful thoughts of the day

What an odd time this has been. The excitement of starting over has been tempered by the reality of multiple injuries. Just as I was getting over falling down the stairs and burning my hand I managed to tear my calf muscle. I was doing a cardio workout, taking a day off of training for the marathon because my calf was a little sore, and on the first kick I heard a horrid pop, felt my muscle recoil into my leg and fell over. Poor Scott – nothing like your wife calling you at work to come take her to the ER. ER said rest, crutches, go see ortho. So here we are 5 days later. Ortho said the deep muscle of the calf (the soleus for those that care) is torn. Good news is it will heal without surgery. Not so good news – no marathon. In fact, it will take 6 months to be 100% again. Decent news is that I will hopefully be off of crutches in 6 weeks so I can at least go to the grocery store, carry my own cup of coffee… All the things we do daily without thinking about.

These frequent injuries keep reminding me of Texas, of times that I’d rather forget, but now I can’t help but remember. There was a 3 year period where I had 3 invasive bone and ligament surgeries and multiple ER trips with crazy injuries. Who else gets a corneal abrasion lying in the bathtub? Seriously, I was lying there soaking when the shampoo bottle just fell off the edge of the tub and the cap hit my eyeball. I actually thought it popped my eyeball, it hurt so much. Then who can forget the day before my major knee surgery I was playing fetch with Lucy, the world’s best dog, and her whole 120 pounds came barreling into me at full speed and dislocated my knee on my “good” side, the one that I had surgery on 6 months prior. The list goes on but I’ll spare you any more of that pitiful reminiscing.

After that last surgery – when was that? 2003? I have been relatively injury free. Sure I’m still extraordinarily clumsy but I’ve managed to avoid the ER and orthos. But now this rash of frequent pain and doctor visits is becoming unbearable. Zandra doesn’t understand why mommy can’t play anymore and why I’m always cranky (pain does that) and poor Scott – moving, starting a new job, and now the stress of this? I was supposed to be the one taking care of the little stuff to make this transition easier for him and all I’ve managed to do is add more stress to him.

I do remain optimistic that the summer isn’t ruined. We had planned on so many adventures. Camping, the redwoods, Yosemite, sleeping in the tress in Washington, just to name a few. One of the great things about moving to Northern California was that we were no longer surrounded by desert but by the majestic nature that we favor. As long as I can walk a few miles we can still do all of these. Zandra is at that great age now where she loves being outside more than anything and I want to keep encouraging that in her. I remember family camping when I was little and it was the best fun. I’m sure it wasn’t as great for my parents but I still remember running through the grassy hills, climbing rocks and trees, playing in the creek and cooking over the campfire. The fun of those things hasn’t dimmed for me yet and I fear if she isn’t taught the joy of them early she’ll never know how much fun it can be.

The marathon is the one thing that really saddens me about all of this. It was only a ½ marathon, but still the first one of my life. It was to be an adventure with my sister. Now instead of training and motivating each other I am forced to cheer for her from the sidelines. I doubt there will be others, it doesn’t seem that I should keep physically pushing myself, but to have a body that’s not even middle age constantly turn against me is becoming a frustration I am tired of dealing with.

Finally Home

It's official. We are home. At least we are in our new house and in the process of making it home. The boxes are unpacked, the new furniture is assembled, the dogs have their spots... So it's home, right? It should be, but it still holds an aura of strangeness and temporary that I keep trying to drive out but I can't eradicate. More time is needed, along with friend and family, to fill to empty space and create memories to live in them. A table that's never had a friend sit at it, a backyard garden that no friends helped to plan or plant, a living room that's never heard the laughter of competitive game - that's why it's still a house.

Getting Setteled

What an adventure the last week has been. It started on Thursday when I slipped and fell down a flight of wet wood stairs and injured my back (again). The next day we moved into our new house and spent 12 hours a day for the next 3 days unpacking, setting up furniture and keeping Z and the dogs entertained. During that time I also managed to burn the palm of my hand (blisters still make it hard to grip anything) and twist my knees, but I survived. At this point that is all that matters.

We are slowly settling in to our new life and new rolls. Scott is enjoying his new job and adapting well. I am starting to realize that I don't have to go to work tomorrow so I don't need to rush through the day trying to get everything squeezed in. Zandra is loving all of this new time together but is confused as to why I get to be home with her and Scott doesn't.

It's hard to not have an identity now other than wife and mother. Before I was a nurse, a friend, a dreamer... now I am just Zandra's mom and Scott's wife. I think that will be my new struggle - to enjoy and embrace this time but not lose myself so deeply in it that I am not able to resurface when this period of my life is past. I will always be Zandra's mom and Scott's wife, but at some point I will want to be more than that again. For now that is more than enough though. Zandra and I are filling our days with art, exploring, planting the garden, learning letters and words, and a million other things to numerous to list. For now that is more than enough - to be with my loves and explore the world with them at my side.